Self control, I’ve got tons of it in the grocery store. Cookies, specialty coffees and teas, cheeses that Niles and Frasier Crane would swoon over, glorious glossy bottles of wine; they all call out my name begging to gain temporary residence in my shopping cart. I smile admiring them but kindly explain that I can not purchase them.
It isn’t their fault. Each product has been wonderfully crafted. The perfect amounts of sugar on those lovely pink frosted cookies, the comforting aroma of brewing coffee, tangy creamy perfection in each bite of fromage and oh, that amazing first sip of the deepest red wine wakening every taste bud in rapture. No, it isn’t their fault. It’s mine.
My self control only exists in the store. As soon as the groceries have been put away my stomach begins its monologue. “Wow! You did a lot of shopping today! Yes, you went to three stores but you got a ton for your money. Way to go! I see you bought some Mega Stuff Oreos. Huh, I didn’t think they could make those any better! We should try one. Just one. All that white stuff has got to be just too overwhelming. Let’s find out. Just. Try. One.”
I try to tell my stomach to stop hissing in my ear but it is persistent. “Fine, I’ll have one just to shut you up.” But it is all downhill from there. Of course Mega Stuff Oreos are better than plain Double Stuff! Duh! They are perfect with coffee in the morning. They are perfect after I’ve finished writing a post. Heck, they are perfect WHILE I’m writing a post. Just finished a good workout? Perfect time for an Oreo or two…or five.
Before I know it my husband is standing in the kitchen holding the last remaining cookie in one hand and an empty package in the other. “Didn’t you just buy these yesterday?” His look of incredulity is astounding. “Well, yes. But they are Mega Stuff, you know. They can’t fit as many cookies into the package due to their larger size, so…” The man is always able to stop me mid sentence with that look he gives me. I can’t describe it but every wife knows that look. It’s the one that says, “Are you really trying to sell me this load of crap right now?!”
At this point I have finally come back to my senses. “Ugh! You KNOW I have no self control with goodies! If you wanted some you should have gotten to them faster! The fact that you only get one cookie is really your fault. You’re just too slow!” Okay, I’m only partially back to my senses. It takes a long time for sugar euphoria to wear off. Really, I’m serious.
And so, for the sake of my marriage and dignity, I try my hardest to just say no before the debit card is even pulled from my wallet. Human frailty betrays me but for the most part I’m able to keep the beast at bay.
Wait a minute. Pop Tarts are on sale for $1.00 a box?! Um, I’ll talk to you guys later. I have an errand to run.
(Photo Credit: (Consumerist.com)
Jessica L. Blair 
THe stomach doesn’t speak at the store because it will make you look rediculious munching down cookies in aisle 5. Then you might be banned from shopping there. 🙂
Lol, Arlene!
You are so right!